At the behest request of Captain BJ, I shall also complete the soundtrack of my life game. Of course, because it is necessary for me to do things better than my co-patriots, and, ramble on ad naseum about myself, I will go one better on the ipod shuffle listing. For those of you unaware of the process, the official rules can be found on Billy’s blog (or Willtron’s before him), but I will summarize them as follows:     

1) Obtain listing of life events, much like those found in the standard bio(e)pic

2)      Utilize digital music player to randomize songs in your pirated music collection

3)       Using the order of the shuffled playback, relate life events to songs played in the subsequent order

Now, the standard rules are to just ctrl+c, ctrl+v the songs as they come and display them for all to see. This is all fine and good except that I’ve found most of my friends’ playlists to be littered with the type of unknown and esoteric tunes found only among the ultra-hipster variety. So it’s all fun and games but no one has any idea what the hell makes the songs that came up so poignant or hilarious.

So for you, dear reader, I am willing to add new dimensions to the tired process to enhance your viewing pleasure. Not only will I list out the songs and their applicable life events, but I will also, for the duration of the songs length, type like mad about how the song either applies, doesn’t apply, could possibly apply, or any other funny/interesting/emo anecdote that comes to mind. I will only type for the length of the song and not go back and change anything…you’re going to get pure stream of conscious style writing here… the real radioactive stuff!  If you have no idea what I’m talking about by this point, don’t worry, you’ll catch on quick enough.

Before we begin, I have a few caveats to get out of the way; first, when I say that I won’t go back and change anything, I’m talking bulk of idea. Spelling and grammar will be fixed to make me appear less retarded than I am in real life. Secondly, you’re not supposed to skip songs or lie about which ones came up for whichever event, but I will not consider any Frog Eyes, Stills, old Protest the Hero, new Fiona Apple, or any non-single Jay-z (save Threats), Fugees, or Lauryn Hill….mostly for the reason that they should not be on there anyway. Finally, I warn you all that my itunes shuffle algorithm tends to love Matt Good, Marilyn Manson, and Metallica. They collectively encompass 100 out of 3500 songs, so I have no idea why. Ready? Here we go…

Opening Credits- Ocean Breathes Salty, Modest Mouse

Strange pick for an opening credits song, with its almost break-beat-esque gallop. Regardless, the most quotable line of the song is “you wasted life/why wouldn’t you waste death”…I mean, commonly the opening credit song is like the theme song to the movie, and here MM is already predicting the outcome of my early life. Will my life play out like an art house character driven bog film in the vein of The Station Agent? People just sitting around wasting their lives?

Waking Up- New Slang, The Shins

I honestly couldn’t think of a more applicable wake up song. I can see it now, this is the early musical montage of the film. Showing what my life was like as a child…pretty, happy, care free… this is the Shins in a nutshell. Just put this song on and try not to smile thinking of a young child crawling out of bed and waking up his mom in the morning light. Sitting, eating his bowl of cereal while his feet dangle from the chair, lengths off the kitchen tile, playfully swinging back and forth.

  First Day at School- Olsen Olsen, Sigur Ros

Montage part 2! Dreamy as this song is, when I reminisce about my kindergarten days, this tone comes to mind. Not drugged out dreamy, my waking life, as I remember it now, sings with a whisper, especially this far back. I didn’t know a lot of people (who does?) in kindergarten, and I didn’t make friends easily, but there is an unspoken optimism in every child and I’d have to go this far back to remember it in myself. Quiet and withdrawn without being introverted, wistful without being melodramatic, years of potential within, kindergarten is a Sigur Ros song.

 Falling In Love- Ending Start, Metric

What are the odds that my ‘Falling in Love’ song would be a lament? Nearly a dirge? Considering the first (only?) time ever fell in love turned out the way it did, I guess it’s only fitting. How endings start…with answers…

Fight Song- Miranda That Ghost Just Isn’t Holy Anymore: C. Pisacis (Phra-Men-Ma), The Mars Volta

Opening with one of the most frenetic riffs in my library, the third movement of the longest (and possibly greatest) epic in the vast collection of Mars Volta epics perfectly captures the fight song to the fight I never had. Seriously, I’ve never been a fight outside of a sparring ring and have no desire to. I’ve heard it said before that weary is the life of a man who’s never been in a fight, as he’s never had anything to fight for.  Is a life of meaning dictated by the conflict therein? I would heartily argue the con.

The third act of this movement completely disintegrates to a dreamscape of tuneless panders, most likely the dazed thoughts of mine whilst bleeding on the pavement.

Breaking Up- Last Century Promise, The (International) Noise Conspiracy

It’s tough to relate a political song to a relationship break up, but the Noise Conspiracy is the only band I have ever encountered that could write a song about how they couldn’t love their girl because of an oppressive capitalist society, so in the face of such creativity I am humbled.  The (I)NC often twig on how capitalist society forces people to work jobs they hate, stifling the vibrancy they once had. In any relationship, boredom can be a monstrously destructive force. Complacency has never been a hindrance in my relationships; in fact, I could only hope for such an obstruction…it would speak to any sort of longevity.

Prom- La Cerca, Sparta

I was raised in a certain way/and I think I’ve let you down/so I’ll take my ways and I’ll find a brand new path…I mean, these sound like high school grad mentalities, but they certainly weren’t mine.  Grad was such a given step for me, and I was surrounded by so many positive influences, my only problem was choosing what the hell I was going to do with myself. 10,000 choices imperil one to inactivity…

Life- Elmo, Holly McNarland

I don’t know what to say. This isn’t a life song…oh wait, we hit chorus and Holly screams Where do you fit in? which is pretty applicable to anyone. I mean, that’s life, finding where you fit in. I shall say nothing more for fear of waxing clichéd.

Mental Breakdown- Ease My Mind, Big Wreck

This song has the tone of a whiskey slur in a peanut shell bar. So there you go, ladies and gentlemen, it’s always the ones you least expect…here I come, unabashed alcoholism.

Driving- “You Got a Death Wish Johnny Truant?”, Fall of Troy

This is my exact thought every time I step into a vehicle. Any of you who know me know that my luck behind the wheel of a car, if possible to measure on an integer scale, would factor well into the negatives. The frenetica of this song is probably matched only by the movement of my eyes whilst driving (cut to ECU of protagonist’s eyes)…

FlashBack- Clumsy, Our Lady Peace

Aren’t all pleasant flashbacks accompanied by guilty pleasures of bygone years? This song would inevitably oversee the reminiscence of high school daze, the hallway chatter, the endless summers, crushes, kicks, and smiles.

It should also be noted that the only reason I ever listened to Our Lady Peace, even back in high school whenst my tastes weren’t so acquired, was because of the wonderful CRTC meddling known as “CANCON” whereby each and every radio and video station must play at least 15% Canadian bred content.  This is responsible for Nickelback. This is responsible for Our Lady Peace. But, this is also responsible for Metric, Protest the Hero, Alexisonfire, and k-os. You win some, you lose lots, but I’d rather the few than none.

Getting Back Together- Colorblind, Counting Crows

I can only hope my getting back together can be as beautiful as this song. Nothing to do with racial relations, this elegant number could pull tears from fish (which, as you know, have no tear ducts). This is a rare little number, as it only appeared on the Cruel Intentions movie soundtrack and never on any Counting Crows album, which is criminal (almost as criminal as Talk Show Host never appearing on any Radiohead album). It’s the only Counting Crows I possess, and any who doubt the validity of my fervor for this song, download it yourself, you may be surprised to find yourself a fan.

Wedding- Testify, Rage Against the Machine

It’s only inevitable with the unadulterated mounds of pure power I have on my itunes that something of this nature would show up on the most inopportune moment. Could have been worse…could have been Underoath (or Between the Buried and Me). I guess I can just go by the title and state that if I ever get married, it’ll be in a court house…no churches for this guy.

Who controls the past now controls the future/who controls the present now controls the past…as a side note to those of you illiterate goons, this line was actually lifted from Orwell’s 1984, which de la Rocha often alludes to throughout the Battle of Los Angeles album. It also doesn’t bode too well for the relations of my movie marriage.

 Birth of Child- Heads Up Baby, Femme Fatale

 Screaming incoherence over raucous chaos…sounds like any birth I know of. At least it’s short and sweet.

 Final Battle- How Do, Sneaker Pimps

 My final battle must be with cancer, because this long, drawn out number has epic, spacey qualities to it.  Nearly whispered vocals over a full reverb echo synthesizer riff, this song has the mood of white linen sheets over wrought iron bed frames and cool sunlight spilling over a withered body. It seems all my battles have become quiet struggles within myself.  Don’t worry, we’re nearing the end of this journey.

 Death Scene- New Noise, Refused

 Man, if I must die to any song, this would be the one. Go out with a bang. A five minute, eight second progressive hardcore-punk anthem for the ages. Can I scream? Dancing to all the wrong songs, enjoying all the wrong moves, but hell, I am jaded. Maybe by death I won’t be.

 Interestingly enough, this song comes off an album called The Shape of Punk to Come, which, oddly enough, was right…10 years later…this is what punk aspires to be. This and Good Charlotte.

 End Credits- Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Black Sabbath

 I actually don’t know this song very well, but I could see the credits to the players in my life’s play scroll by serenaded by the Ozzman.  A fitting exeunt.

 Now I’m sure most of you are thinking that I rigged the songs, but I’m being completely honest when I say this is exactly what came up (save for one of the aforementioned blacklisted songs by Protest the Hero). It’s surprisingly light considering the heavy nature of my collection, but, for the most part, suitably fitting. It also showcases a modicum of my lack of taste.

 As a post script, if I had rigged the songs it would have went something like this:

Opening Credits: I Summon You, Spoon (perfect opener)
Waking Up: New Slang, The Shins (I wouldn’t have known unless I did this thing)
First Day of School: We’re Going to Be Friends, The White Stripes (just too fitting to be passed up due to cliché)
Falling in Love: Untitled, Interpol (the loneliest, most epic of songs. You fall in love alone the first time)
Fight Song: Tip Your Bartender, Glassjaw (Get Tanked anyone?)
Breaking Up: Play Crack the Sky, Brand New (I break up emo…if you didn’t know)
Prom: In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel (for obvious reasons)
Life: Indifference, Pearl Jam (never give in)
Mental Breakdown: There Could Be Nothing After This, Underoath (everything, everything…)
Driving: Lusty, Lamb (I’ve always liked trip-hop while I drove)
Flashback: And It Stoned Me, Van Morrison (remembering a time I never lived through)
Getting Back Together: Untitled, Trespassers William (it’s only when you realize what you lack)
Wedding: Fade Into You, Mazzy Star (the most beautiful of songs)
Birth of Child: Caught a Lite Sneeze, Tori Amos (if you know the meaning of this song, you’d know I’d be having a girl)
Final Battle: Hexagram, Deftones (has been known to cause listeners’ heads to asplode)
Death Scene: Switching Off, Elbow (I know who I’d be switching off with at this point)
Funeral Song: Pyramid Song, Radiohead (nothing to fear, nothing to doubt)
End Credits: Blue American, Placebo (I wrote this novel just for you)

 Love is suicide